I am a preacher’s daughter.  Raised by my mom and dad with love and structure.   I was in church when the doors were open.   I would say the hardest part of being a preacher’s kid was the moving.  The settling over every time we moved to a new state.  Learning to make friends in my new church my new school. Last move was the hardest. We moved to Tampa right in the time of my life I was ready to be settled.  Loved my schools and friends.  And I didn’t want to move to Tampa Florida.  My parents did all they could to make the move easy on me and my brother.  

Eighth grade and I felt like I didn’t fit in.  I hated school.  Probably this is where I started losing my voice and my identity.   I found myself pulling away.   My 12th grade year I met a boy.  I fell hard and decided I wanted to leave school.  Asked my dad if I could take the GED and be done with school.  He agreed.  Meanwhile the relationship was growing and at 16 he asked me to marry him.  We started planning a wedding while I studied to take the GED.  The wedding was decided to be Dec 15 at my grandmothers back yard in GA.  My mom was making my dress my flowers and cake.  She was so talented.     

I noticed my fiancé getting a little bossy and angry if I did something without his permission.   I excused his behavior as we are just nervous about the wedding.  I also took my test and then found out I failed it by one point.  I was so ashamed and felt embarrassed to tell my dad.  He wanted me to pass this test.  With the wedding happening I didn’t have time to take it again.     

The wedding happened and we were off to our married life.   It wasn’t too long after he started getting angry over the smallest thing.  He would yell and call me names.  He would lock me out of the house.   I kept saying I would do better; I am sorry.  And never once admitted to what was happening was not OK.  I became silent.  I was on pins and needles when he would pull in the driveway.   His behavior around sex was disgusting it was demanding and made me do things I didn’t want to do.    

Six months later I became pregnant and he decided he wanted us to move to Connecticut back with his family.  I thought this would be the answer and he would be happier.  We moved.  And three months later we have our precious son.   Again, I am thinking this will change everything. Now he has a son and he surly will love me more and treat me better for it.   NO. That didn’t happen.  My son just weeks old and didn’t want to fall asleep crying in his crib his dad goes in his room shuts the door and spanks him.  My son starts to cry harder and he gets louder.  And he would not let me come in the room.    

Soon it became more often.  Anger taken out on my son.  No matter what I would say.  He would throw things at me. And call me names.  I packed up and flew home to Georgia with my son.  My husband called and called.  I finally talked to him after a week gone.  He begged me to come back promising he would change and do better.  I believed him!   Again, I get pregnant and we have a little girl.   At four months I started asking if we could move back to Georgia. The sheriff’s department was hiring.  When it became his idea. We moved.  Again, I am thinking all will be better.    

We had to live with my parents for a short time and in that short time we had a horrible fight.  I thought my mom or dad was gonna die.  But here I was I couldn’t speak up, I couldn't find the words to speak up for my kids my son!  We bought a house oh this will be good we can finally settle down and be a family.  The abuse continued with my son.  My son and I even reported him and all they did was send him to behavior classes.     

We were very much involved in our church.  Everyone thought we were so happy.  Why because I lied I smiled all the time.  Crazy!!!!   One Mother’s Day we were going to my granny’s with family all there.  The night before my husband had been beaten from his neck down all the way down his back and arms.  I dressed him in a turtle neck and long sleeves.   My granny was like, let him stay here tonight.  I panicked.  She’s gonna see he’s back and blue.  She already knew.  It would be till a few years later we had come home from church.    

I told him I think I want to sell Tupperware.  I didn’t have to do parties out of the house we now could do them online.   He went nuts!  Yelling at me throwing things telling me I don’t do anything without asking.  I stood up and said I am done!!!!   And moved my stuff out of our room into my daughter’s room.  It took a week for me to move out.  And I went to my mom and dad’s.  My daughter came with me my son wouldn’t it was so hard to leave him.  The hands-on abuse had stopped not the mental abuse though.  He begged me to stay.  He begged me to come back. But I knew I had to leave and never go back.   I was so torn down. No words could even come out of my mouth.  I felt hopeless. I felt like I had failed.   I left alone.  I didn’t even know me anymore.  It was sad for all I had loss of myself.  For not paying attention to the red flags he stated showing year one of our marriage.  I ignored them.  And it crushed me for years.     

The healing has been a journey.  Figuring out who I was in my walk with Jesus.  See I knew Jesus he was there with me the whole time. But I didn’t ask him for help. I didn’t pray.  I kept trying to figure it all out on my own.  It didn’t work. But what worked was leaving.  Working on me and reclaiming my voice and walk with Jesus.  My identity in who he created me to be.   The healing is still going on.  Two years ago, I went through the 180 Method®. Healing took place.  Freedom from a pain that had been burning for way too long many years.  My prayer life my walk with God is powerful and now I am coaching women who have lost their voice and identity. Helping them reclaim their voice and identity in Christ.